I started to walk by the river in the winter so I could complain about how cold I was. When I got sick I knew it was my fault. I had a sore throat and I hadn't smoked a cigarette in three years. But now suddenly I was addicted to nicotine for the second time in my life. There was a boy who told me he loved me and I never opened his message. I dreamt that he would sit next to me as a friend, but he never did. I played the cool girl, and I played the sweet girl, and I played the girl whose heart was broken, and I played the girl who broke someone's heart. And I was young, but not as young as I am now. I told people that after nineteen you stop feeling like you are getting older, but I was only twenty. I carried myself like I was sixteen kilos lighter than I actually was. And I looked in the mirror a lot. And I always saw something that was not me. Some nights I found it hard to keep myself alive and other nights I sat on a dirty couch that belonged to a boy who did not care about me. I dreamt that in twenty years we'd be on a clean couch with rings on our fingers, but I don't know his middle name anymore. I cleaned dishes, sometimes I ate from them first other times I just wanted to feel the warm water on my hands. I felt ugly and I felt sexy and I felt until I believed there was no feeling I hadn't touched. I cut my hair, and I grew it out, only to cut it again. The world, I'm told, was falling apart. But I didn't see it happening.

 

© Mabel Gibson. From Twice Not Shy published by Night Parrot Press.

 

Mabel Gibson is a Yamatji writer from Albany (Kinjarling) who hopes one day to become a publisher and provide opportunities for other First Nations writers. She has been published by Magabala Press, Night Parrot Press and Portside Review, and has a forthcoming solo collection of micro memoir titled CryBaby releasing in 2025.

 

www.nightparrotpress.com